To Love and Loss
by AllusionToAnIllusion
Summary: Sometimes all you want is for time to move slower, sometimes backwards. But time, forever heartless, never listens.


**While I absolutely adored each and every moment of last night's episode - _some of which_ kept me up for hours - there was one moment in particular that caught my attention. No, not the kiss. Though that undoubtedly caught my attention that's not exactly what I'm talking about. The moment I'm referring to is when Martha makes it clear that she is worried about Castle, that she loves him just as much as he loves Alexis. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own Castle, though right now I totally wish I did so I could take any form of credit for that amazing episode.**

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_Oh simple thing, where have you gone?_

_I'm getting old and I need something to rely on._

She quietly walked down the hallway and made an effort to keep from walking on the floorboards she knew would creak under the slightest weight. It'd been a long day for Richard and he'd looked exhausted when he'd come home, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek in place of a greeting and then disappearing into his room. She assumed he'd gone to sleep; he could use the rest. They could all use a little rest. The comfy life their eccentric family lived seemed all too fleeting, their reality suddenly seeming as though it could collapse without warning. He was almost shot; her son and father to her amazing granddaughter had almost been killed. Sure, he'd told her that the horrible image would never become a reality. He'd assured her that he was absolutely safe following Detective Beckett around. But they all knew that wasn't the case, he was only trying to protect her from the terrifying truth he lived each day: that one day he may not come home.

She crept passed his door and considered slipping in for a moment, just wanting to sit at the edge of the bed like she'd done when he was a kid to make sure he was still there, that he hadn't somehow disappeared in the few hours he'd been up here. She opened the door slowly, careful not to make a sound. She just needed to make sure, to run her hand through his hair and maybe fall asleep in a chair beside his bed like she'd done when he was younger and she got home late from shows. Despite what a lot of people seemed to think, she'd always regretted having to work so much. She regretted not spending as much time as she could with him and not being able to give him a more stable childhood. But it was the only way they could get by, the only way she knew how to live life.

Peeking around the door her eyebrows rose when she found his bed empty, not even looking like it had been slept in. But it only took a few moments for her to realize where he was. The only sound in the loft besides those of the city's nightlife was the soft padding of her footsteps as she made her way over to the room just down the hall. The door was cracked open, revealing her son sitting in a chair he'd carried to the side of his daughter's bed. Alexis was snuggled into her pillow, long hair tousled and a small smile on her face. She looked peaceful and innocent, the picture of purity.

Richard was slumped in the rocking chair that had been in his daughter's room since childhood, a picture album covered in yellow bears splayed across his lap. She smiled, recognizing the grinning bears as Winnie the Pooh, Alexis' childhood obsession. The girl's room used to be painted yellow, a mural of Winnie the Pooh, Piglet and Christopher Robin playing in the grass covering her wall. Even the rocking chair Richard was currently sleeping in had always been covered in a quilt with the innocent bear sewn onto it. Alexis had eventually grown out of it, moving into other phases, but that album had always stayed in her room.

This wasn't the first time she'd found him in here while the girl slept, album resting somewhere on his body. That book, housing what was probably hundreds of captured images of the past she knew he wishes would return, was his lifeline. Whatever it was, a craving for the innocent memories of childhood or a need for time not to move as fast as it cruelly chooses to, that album was the thing he clung to when it became overwhelming. Every parent had those feelings, and each one longed for even a small piece of the past.

_She peeked through the open door to find Meredith and Richard cuddled in the rocking chair. The tiny newborn was cuddled in his arms, sleeping for what seemed like the first time in days. She'd been called in when the stress of raising a baby became too much for the first-time parents and they'd almost ripped their hair out. She had offered to help, to watch Alexis while her parents slept. Only when she had gotten here the loft had been quiet, none of the screaming they'd been complaining about. So she'd investigated, scouring the house for any sign of her son and daughter-in-law. And she'd found them, the entire family sleeping peacefully as if they'd been up for weeks. Richard had a bit of drool on his chin, a sign that he'd been truly exhausted, while Meredith looked just as perfect as she did when conscious. _

_ A cream book was resting on the redhead's stomach, one covered by small yellow bears that seemed to be dancing across the cover. She crossed the room and ran a hand through her son's hair, confident that he was much too exhausted to wake up and catch her motherly moment, before picking up the book and looking through it. It wasn't a book, but a photo album. So far there were only two pictures in it, one of Meredith and Richard beaming proudly at the camera with a much tinier form nestled into Meredith's arms and another of Alexis herself who seemed to be in the middle of a happy gurgle when the moment was captured. _

_ She lovingly closed the book before placing it back on Meredith's stomach. She kneeled down and leaned closer to the child, smiling at the breaths she felt whisper across her cheek._

_ "Hey, Alexis." She cooed, resting a hand on Richard's arm. "When you get older there's something I want you to remember, okay? Something you can't forget." She took the quiet noise Alexis emitted as a cue to continue. "Your parents love you so much. You'll always have a special place in their hearts. Sometimes it'll be a little hard, everybody knows your parents aren't the most responsible," she smirked at Richard, "but they will do anything for you. Trust me, I know." She stood, placing a kiss on Richard's forehead before making her way out the door as quietly as she'd come in. Looking back she smiled at the scene, leaning against the doorway for a moment to take it in before noiselessly slipping the door closed behind her._

She crossed the room just as noiselessly as she'd done before, leaning on the arm of the old rocking chair. Alexis' soft snores and the honks of cars below filled the room. She leant over and picked up the photo album, running her fingers over the soft leather. She flipped through it, some pictures making her chuckle at the subject's antics while others made her take a moment to wish for time to move backwards. There were much more than just two pictures in her now and as the years passed the immortal moments created a timeline. When the small redheaded baby began to grow into a toddler the images seemed to include Meredith less and less, all traces of the woman gone by the time Alexis looked to be about four or five.

Birthday after birthday, Alexis grew. In what seemed like no time at all she transitioned from an energetic toddler to a bright albeit slightly awkward preteen. A gorgeous blonde began showing up in pictures, a shiny gold ring eventually taking up residence on her finger. Gina, Richard and Alexis seemed happy; they seemed like a family. But eventually, just like Meredith, Gina vanished from the images. It was just Rick and Alexis for a while, both seeming completely happy with their life. Alexis morphed into the teenager she saw now and there were changes in Rick too. Sure, he got older just like every other person but he seemed to become a little wiser in the process, it was a good look for him. She showed up in some of the pictures, one of her favorites being two redheads, a teenager and one older – but still not _that_ old – woman dancing with each other at what seemed to be a premiere party. She grinned at the photo, watching her in the midst of twirling Alexis on the dance floor.

She was basically the only woman who wasn't Alexis that showed up in these pictures. She knew that Rick pretty much kept Alexis away from his girlfriends unless the relationship grew unbelievably serious and this album cemented that fact. She began to near the last few pages, the most recent memories dancing in her head as if they'd happened only seconds ago. One thing that surprised her was that Detective Beckett began showing up in some of the photos, two of the pictures featuring a tall and beautiful brunette.

There was a picture of the detective and Alexis at the precinct from when Alexis had volunteered there. The image was professional, the two were friendly but the image was nowhere near as natural as the others had been. The other one was much different. In this one Detective Beckett, Alexis and Richard were sitting at a table at a bistro she knew was one of Alexis' favorites eating lunch. Richard, arm slung over Alexis' shoulder, was faking a pout and trying not to smile while Detective Beckett smirked at him and Alexis teasingly stuck her tongue out at her father. The photo looked like it had been taken with a cell phone camera, hastily but at the perfect moment. She saw that there were two Crown Vics in the background, the car she'd learned all Richard's detective friends drove, and assumed another detective had been out to lunch with them. Though the trio in the photo didn't even seem to notice the fourth person, all of them completely concentrated on each other.

She let out a quick laugh and looked around the room to make sure she hadn't woken anybody up before continuing to look through the album. Finishing, she closed it and set it back down on Richard's lap. Kissing his forehead she decided she should bring her old album out of storage, after a night like tonight she needed it.

"You're never going anywhere, we won't let you." She whispered into his skin before pulling away and getting up. She made it halfway to the door before turning to look at the sleeping teen. "I told you, didn't I? He'll always love you." With that she turned and left the room, softly closing the door behind her before making her way to her own room.

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**I think we underestimate Martha. She's one of those characters that's very easy to put in a box, hers being the eccentric and party-crazy woman of the show, but I think there is a lot more to her than that.**

**The lyrics at the beginning are from Somewhere Only We Know by Keane. I actually found it on the trailer for the new Winnie the Pooh movie so it only seemed fitting to include it. That and the fact that the cute little bear was my childhood obsession too. I had that mural on my wall for years. **

**Anyway, review? Please? I don't think I have Martha's voice down, do you agree? It'd be great if you could tell me. Love this? Hate this? Just tell me!**


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